As you may know MUCH of why I started One Parent Wonder was to help young and/or single parents find spiritual wholeness and emotional health so they can live WONDERful lives with their children. Well, today’s confession: I haven’t arrived in that area as much as I would’ve hoped. But I’ve decided that’s ok because I never promised to have “arrived” I promised to take you all on a journey and this is mine. (Never say I didn’t keep it real with y’all!)
I have come to realize that I need professional counseling. After MUCH self evaluation, VERY hard lessons, MANY MANY tears I am FINALLY ready to come to terms with the fact that I suffer from SOMETHING (I think it’s Depression) and in hind’s sight I probably have been suffering from it almost my whole life. To make a long story short I got fed up with myself and decided I have too much potential to be great to let this thing keep holding me back from my destiny and purpose. AND I AM DETERMINED to get healthy. DE-TER-MINED. The final straw, though, is that I REFUSE to dump my emotional baggage off on my son.
PSA: Parents if you don’t deal with your emotional issues you WILL dump them off on your children. YOU WILL!
Anyway, ever since I decided that I was going to seek counseling I’ve been pretty mad at God. Like BOILING mad. I will tell you why in a minute. First allow me an aside:
Aside: That has actually been a liberating revelation—that I can say that I am mad at God. I used to believe it was blasphemous to be angry at God, but deep down inside the truth is that I’ve BEEN mad at God about a LOT of things that He allowed to happen in my life. After about 25 years of living a lie my pastor gave me a thought that has freed me from my prison of denial: God can handle you being mad Him. He’s not immature. He’s not sensitive. As a loving Father He can handle you and your disapproval and even disgust with His choices. Doesn’t change anything.
But here’s why I got mad, probably madder than I’ve ever been before at anyone EVER: because I called myself (as the old folks used to say) “trying Him for myself” or at least I trying all the things that church culture told me should work:
I prayed through it.
I said affirmations on deliverance and healing.
I sang praise and worship songs.
I didn’t feel sorry for myself.
I put in the work.
I turned to my neighbor.
I called friends and elders to pray on my behalf.
I read my Bible.
I gave my tithes and offering.
I held on just a lil’ while longer.
I called Jesus on the main line and I told him what I want.
So when I found myself wallowing in a pit of depression again this year, it made me livid to think that I still hadn’t made as much emotional progress as I thought I should. It’s not that God’s not real—seen too much to even question that. It’s not that He’s not powerful enough to just heal me—seen too much to question that either.
At the same time, this overwhelming heaviness I feel is real too.
So this morning I got up to talk to Him (or “go off”) about it and I asked Him: Why won’t You help me? Why do I have to go to a shrink to get the help I need because YOU won’t give it to me?
I was met with a prompt response:
The question is an emotional and inaccurate assumption.
A better question is, “Why won’t I help you the way you want to be helped?”
That’s perspective for you. If I were keeping score on arguments I’ve had with God it would look a lot like this:
I gained so much clarity from that one little statement. I will tell you what I learned in my meditation this morning:
- The only reason I don’t want to go talk to a “Shrink” is because not going would have guarded my pride and proved all the people who ever called me “crazy “ wrong.
- I have gotten myself into enough trouble in my life to know that I absolutely don’t know what I need.
- I’m currently writing a book (title is TOP secret 🙂 ) and almost immediately I realized that I NEED to go to counseling to be able to share that insight and healing in the book.
- Sometimes being super-spiritual isn’t super-practical. If I find healing in professional counseling that doesn’t negate the healing power of Jesus. My pastor told me that God helps us and heals us through people and relationships too.
- I was really asking God to help me skip the process of doing the emotional work it REALLY takes instead of walking down that painful path to real actual true freedom. (OUCH–Lord help me. I’m SO not sure that I’m ready for this!)
So if you too are a Christian frustrated because you’re “waiting on God” to do the emotional work it takes to set you free, I hate to be the bearer of HARD (not bad) news, you might need buckle down and get some practical help. (I really sympathize because I DON’T WANT TO either!) Do the work. I imagine that it’s going to be very hard and I admit that I have been VERY afraid to do it. AND I don’t know why God won’t snap His fingers and just make us emotionally whole but I do know that even in counseling God is Sovereign.
My pastor shared a quote on Sunday that I’ve been thinking about all week. I really think it’s relevant so I will leave you with this:
“The path of least resistance makes some rivers and all men crooked.”
Stay Wonderful! 🙂